New month, new Weekend Writing Warriors theme! For June, I’m going to pull from my horror/paranormal universe stories, starting with an excerpt from “Tim and Sara,” a short story I published a couple years ago.
The victim of debilitating flashbacks, Tim is content to spend the rest of his life at Kirkbride, a state mental hospital. But his friend and fellow resident Sara is concerned that she has to save her soul before it’s too late, and so she devises a plan to break them out of the hospital. Can Tim help his friend while holding onto what’s left of his sanity?
In this scene, Tim has gotten them kicked off the bus at a station in the middle of nowhere. They’re waiting to catch another bus the next day.
I wake in the middle of the night to a station lobby that’s empty, lights off but the parking lot streetlights provide more than enough illumination in here. Sara lies next to me, curled in a ball, hair in her face. I reach over, brush it off and behind her ear. Her face is relaxed as she sleeps, peaceful.
I stretch, return to sleep but I’m awakened by a loud noise. I open my eyes, afraid to move. Sara is in the corner, pleading with someone who may not even be there, stomping her feet, crying. I know I should help her but I’m afraid of her voices, afraid of what they might make her do if they find out I’m listening.
Get a copy of the story to find out what the voices make her do!
Then post a link to your eight sentences blog entry, or join the fun at the Weekend Writing Warriors website. And make sure you get a copy of my short story, “Not My Thing.” It’s currently free at Smashwords and Barnes and Noble (Amazon is still dragging their feet with the permafree thing, but you can get a Kindle version at Smashwords).
Terrific tension and sense of detail — I love it!
You dragged this reader right into the story. Now I wait in fear of the big question. What happens next? Always leave the reader wanting more-to turn the page. Super job.
“I know I should help her but I’m afraid of her voices, afraid of what they might make her do if they find out I’m listening…” Very believable scene capturing the horror of mental illness.
This snippet reads almost like a Twilight Zone episode – spooky, no way to know what’s going on, much could be at stake – loved it!
Very creepy second paragraph, delicious contrast to the innocence of the first!
Very creepy. Love that we don’t know if the voices are only in her head or…? Nicely done.
Oh, that last line is sad and scary at the same time…
Several layers of meaning possible here, but all scary.
Like the transition from how peaceful it is when she’s sleeping to how dangerous she is when awake. That last line is especially scary–how she’s not in control of herself, and can do something terrible.
That last line is a winner. Well done.
This is simply stunning, and instantly engaging—and the premise is fantastic!
That last line is a winner. Well done. You might get this twice. I’m not sure if the first one saved.
Love that last line :)
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